My underwear smells like fireworks.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Randomize