My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
