i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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