Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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