After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
