it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
