you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
