I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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