OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
If I die, sorry about rent.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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