She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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