sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
two words...techno handjob
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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