You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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