Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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