She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
