I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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