your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
