he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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