I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
