Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
