i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
two words...techno handjob
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
