i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
