Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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