Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
