You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
