Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
