I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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