It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
