The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
