I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
