Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Come on in and take your pants off
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