Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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