sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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