just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
