Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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