If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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