ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
