Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I came so hard my ears popped.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
