I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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