Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
