Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
