you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
