my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
