I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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