my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
