Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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