My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
