marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
