Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
