He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
