Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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