Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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