conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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