I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
